Dealing with Harassment: What almost ruined "World of Warcraft"

I tell this story because I feel it is important. It didn’t happen to me, it happened to my wife and she gave me permission to tell it.

Beth has played video games her entire life. As a little girl she and her dad would create their own LAN parties. She got me into it when we started dating- forced me to play through Final Fantasy X as an example of story telling capabilities in the interactive sphere.

She enjoys playing online as well. She likes meeting people who love the games she love. She likes making friends and has made some incredible, long lasting friendships that have extended way beyond the walls of virtual reality. This summer we took a vacation with one of these friends. I say this to show how much in the world of gaming my wife is.

There have always been problems though. Gender-based insults are common to the sad point where they are almost meaningless. Rape and death threats happen all the time as well. When these things happen Beth reports and blocks the offending players. While these things are real cause for concern, that’s not what bothers her most.

It happens like this: Beth makes friends with a person or a group of people who all play the same game. The friendship grows into something more substantial than acquaintances you play games with into actual friends. Then the friend asks for a picture of her boobs or suggests some sort of cyber/text based sexual fling.

This has happened quite a few times and each time Beth goes through feelings of disappointment, disgust, sorrow and the loss of friends. Guys, who know full well she is a happily married woman- now with a kid- act like the “nice guy” for months, sometimes years, with the hope they will get something sexual out of it.

When one member of a group acts like this experience shows that the rest of the group usually doesn’t care. Either they write it off with a “that’s just how it is online” or “boys will be boys” excuse or else blame the girl for causing undue drama.

 So, yesterday World of Warcraft released their latest expansion “Warlords of Draenor.” In our house a Warcraft expansion is like a major holiday. We’ve both played from the earliest days of Vanilla and have some awesome memories of the game. While we live in the real world often vacation in Azeroth.

One aspect of World of Warcraft we haven’t really experienced before, however, is having a great guild around us. A friendly, helpful guild more interested in having fun with friends than rankings or other such stuff. Not that these guilds don’t exist out there but we just haven’t found one that worked for us- until now.

Recently Beth started playing with a guild that fit the bill perfectly. She liked it because the people were friendly, funny and helpful. There also was a lot women in the guild which appealed to her as well. Everything was going almost perfectly.

There was one guy, however, that was problematic. His voice-chat handle was obscene and whenever he talked it was always on the edge between fooling around and outright inappropriate.  He made my wife uncomfortable to the point where she was actively avoiding him. The problem was he was also real-life friends with some of the guys who ran the guild so Beth decided the awesomeness of the guild outweighed the grossness of this one guy.

Then it happened. He whispered Beth in game asking “When are you going to let me see your tits?” (I’m paraphrasing because the actual request was far viler). Beth immediately ignored him but he found her on the guild’s voice chat service and continued to harass her until she finally logged of the game altogether. This was the day before Warlords of Draenor dropped and all the excitement she had for the game evaporated.

Beth messaged the guild leaders with an ultimatum she didn’t want to have to make: This guy is harassing me. He goes or I go.

This wasn’t an easy thing for her to do. In her mind, Beth imagined the guys in her guild would decide their friendship with this guy- along with is above-par PVP skills- would outweigh her feelings of offense.

Beth didn't want them to HAVE to choose between her and this guy. She'd gone down this road before. She wasn't going to be in a situation where she put up with this garbage but she didn't want to make these people- men and women- who were nice people, give up a friend because she was offended.  It would suck for her- another potential group of friends ruined because of some jerk- but the sad truth is that's just how it goes sometimes. 

If I were in her place, I would have had a tough time telling anyone. In today’s age, video game news is full of stories about women who are attempting to stand up against the egregious sexist tropes and attitudes that exist in games. More often than not, these women are torn apart by men who don’t want the status quo to change.  

It didn’t happen that way though. After a bit of conversation between her and the guild leaders- conversation that did not include anything more than the guild leaders telling her she was an important part of the guild and they trust her- the guy was banned from the guild and from the guild’s voice chat system.

As soon as it happened nearly every other woman on the guild said they were glad the guy was gone. All of them had been actively avoiding the offender as well. He had asked several of the women for boob pics and had even sent a few of them unasked dick pics. As the conversation went on most of the guys in the guild said they were uncomfortable with the guy as well- he was always talking about sex and women in the most base, disrespectful way you can imagine. His removal from the guild was something everyone wanted but it required Beth being willing to stand up and speak out about the behavior.

One of the guild leaders asked the women, “why didn’t you say anything about it?”

That’s a hard question and, according to Beth, the answer seems to be that men have a hard time seeing it. Women are trained not to rock the boat and not to be a “bitch” by forcing perverted guys towards accountability.

I’m not going to pretend to know why women do or don’t speak up when they are harassed. It’s not my place to say one way or the other I suppose, but Beth did make one point I think is worth passing on:

The popular narrative is that women will be punished for standing up against sexism in the video game world- and many are. Still, it’s just a small, yet very loud, population that wants women to be punished. Most gamers are on your side. Most gamers when presented with sexism will fight against it. Most men when presented with the reality of sexism will become allies.

You know, there seems to be a shorthand response for when men talk about issues in feminism. They always say “As a husband to a wife” or “as a father to daughters” in order to place themselves within the context. These statements are somewhat problematic because it makes it seem like men need some sort of feminine other in order to care about sexism. Still, I think- and in my life in particular- having women who are close to you can highlight how inherent sexism is. As a male, especially a white male, it’s almost impossible to see how much privilege you face and you assume everyone has the same experiences. It’s like someone who has never been in the water wondering why the drowning woman doesn’t just breathe oxygen. It’s hard and I’m only beginning to see that in my life now- because I see Beth’s experiences and realize how different they are from mine.

Women are a part of video game culture- more so now than in any other point. The more men are confronted with that the more they realize that gender equality in gaming is its intended and destined state and the problematic sexist elements are rough parts of the statue that need to be sanded away.

At first, I wasn’t sure her guild would do the right thing, but they did and it meant kicking the offensive guy out. I feel confident this is a microcosm for the video game industry as a whole. Yes, there are jerks but there are far more great people who will stand up to the jerks. It's like what Blizzard's president and CEO Mike Morhaime said at the opening of Blizzcon: 

 Over the past couple of months, there’s been a small group of people who have been doing really awful things. They have been making some people’s lives miserable and they are tarnishing our reputation as gamers. It’s not right.
Blizzcon is a great example of how positive and uplifting gaming can be. Let’s carry the good vibes from this weekend out into the world all year round. There is another person on the other end of a chat screen, they are our friends, our brothers and sisters our sons and daughters. Let’s take a stand to reject hate and harassment, and let’s redouble our efforts to be kind and respectful to one another.
Let’s remind the world what the gaming community is really all about.

By the way, the excitement for the game returned.

Hundred Book Challenge #16: “The Lord of the Rings” by J.R.R Tolkien

This is a big one.

Beyond the hefty size of the text itself, more than a thousand pages and over 50 hours or audio book, The Lord of the Rings is a mammoth in the world of popular culture and storytelling. I don’t think there’s a way to overstate how much this book has influenced our collective unconscious. There is not an artistic or cultural outlet that has not either seen a direct port of Lord of the Rings or else a

Even more than that though, The Lord of the Rings is a huge book for me. I don’t remember how old I was when I first read it. I had already read The Hobbit and had watched the animated version of LOTR so was somewhat familiar with it anyway. I was a teenager, that’s for sure, but I hadn’t received my driver’s license yet. I was probably 13 or 14 and this book gripped me in a way I still can’t properly explain.

Part of it was, of course, the story. I remember feeling amazed that the One Ring, something that was little more than a curiosity in The Hobbit, could be such a vile and powerful thing. I was a big fan of some of the more “goth” (not Gothic) literature as a young teen. I devoured Poe and had more than a few books of collected ghost or murderer stories but Lord of the Rings presented me with my first real understanding of what evil is- it’s corruption. It’s pride of self or country mutated into a lumbering monster. It’s Boromir losing his honor for fear of what would happen to his people. It’s Galadriel’s horrific moment of temptation. It’s Bilbo Baggins hissing and snatching at his beloved nephew (actually cousin but whatever) for want of the Ring. It’s poor, poor, poor old Smeagol.

Another part of my teenage obsession was the idea of travel. My hometown was no Hobbiton but it wasn’t too far off. The idea that so many different peoples and adventures were to be had in the great “out there” was very appealing and I didn’t quite get why Sam, Merry, Pippen and Frodo wanted so much to go home. Now as an adult I get it but the idea that there was an adventure out there to be had was… well, it was a helpful motivator in pushing me to some of my most memorable and worthwhile adventures including moving across the country to be closer to my girlfriend who later became my wife.

It’s not a perfect book. The last, say, eight hours could be condensed quite a bit as things seem to get long after the climactic moment where the Ring is destroyed. Still, for the most part the story is very readable- so readable in fact I wonder where the Fantasy genre of book got its penchant for ludicrously obtuse wording. I don’t think there is a “thee” or “thou” anywhere in here.

In an early review of The Lord of the Rings, it was said that the English world is divided into two groups: Those who have read Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit and those who will. Today I think it’s safe to say that the world is divided into those who have read Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit and those who have experienced the story in some other medium and it totally deserves its place as one of the most celebrated books of all time. 

Coming up! I’m still reading Infinite Jest but that’s slow going as I’m not sure if I’m even reading it right. I’m also starting on Gone with the Wind on audio book.

Hundred Book Challenge # 15: "The Sheltering Sky" by Paul Bowles

I know you aren't suppose to judge a book by its cover, but man this is an awesome cover. 

I have never traveled into madness as effectively as I did with this book. Insanity is not always apparent to the insane and so it is here.

On the surface, this is a story about a couple, Kit and Port Moresby, who travel with friend Tunner. Port is experiencing post-WWII American existential despair and, in the vein of Hemingway and company, decides to become a “traveler”- as opposed to a tourist- to North Africa. He drags along his wife, Kit, who plays the part but does not have the soul. She worries about everything and clings to whatever remnants of her more comfortable life she is able to hold on to.  Their marriage is somewhat rocky but neither seem to upset or worried about that. Tunner is maybe extramaritally interesting in both of them and comes along for the lark.

Much of this book is standard post-war stuff- Affluent white, American couple seek out “primitive” cultures to escape from the fake, protective worlds they come from. It’s a good story in that regard. We see Port roaming the streets of isolated African villages looking for the most exact way to fulfill the needs of his id- and always being frustrated when the world doesn’t fold up perfectly inside his pocket. Tunner, too, is looking for perfect selfish fulfillment but he looks within the relationship between Kit and Port. Kit says she enjoys herself but spends her days in whatever hotel room they happen to be in at the time looking through her possessions, wishing she had a mirror and choosing not to think about the things Port is obsessed with- including death and what comes after.

This interesting narrative continues for a while until Port gets sick. The couple is separated from Tunner and Kit takes up a forced bedside vigil next to Port as he is dying.

Really it all starts to go downhill for Kit before the bedside vigil- to the point where she and Port take a several-days bus voyage into the Sahara Desert while Port is suffering from the early stages of his sickness. Her thoughts and internal monologues start to fragment and her desire to remain herself- as hollow as that may be- starts to erode. At Port’s bedside she slips further and further away until (spoiler alert) Port dies.

Oh, by the way, the main character, or what seems like the main character, dies about halfway through this novel. The rest of it follows Kit as she completely loses it.

The nature of Kit’s insanity is handled so subtlety it’s not until the end before you accept that she is anything but a woman in a desperate situation trying to survive. She loses her sense of self, time, space anything. She becomes a creature of reflex. She becomes a concubine for a random trade caravan where they actually dress her like a young Arab boy in order to sneak her past the caravan owner’s wives undetected.

It’s like the book breaks halfway through and the broken pieces are even more interesting than the intact bits.

A few things:

1. Reading the books on this list I’ve worked up a couple of theories, including the fact that the greatest generation was, in fact, just as messed up and self-obsessed as any other generation. These books that are historical contemporaries to the WWII or pre-WWII generations don’t see themselves with the same romantic haze we see it now. These people weren’t selfless heroes who were able to get a country though a time of hardship- they were normal people and that’s a more comforting fact. The fact that the Greatest Generation wasn’t much different from the Millennials means that any generation has the capability of continuing history- getting through the difficult times the world throws at us. Yes, we may do it with questionable colonialism and existential despair, but we still get through it.  

2. The next books on this list for me are monsters. On the audio front I’m listening to “Lord of the Rings” and on the reading front it’s time for “Infinite Jest.” If I’m still sane after these two endeavors I shall continue. Pray for me.

Hundred Book Challenge #14: "Brideshead Revisited" by Evelyn Waugh

Again, I came in blind to this read. I've heard the title mentioned from time to time and someone said it was funny.

It's not funny. Not even close to funny. Every line drips with a sardonic sorrow or else a holy sense of regret. It's sad and melancholy- but it's also very good.

This is a book about endings. On the surface its about the ending of the aristocracy of Europe prior to WWII, but the story is full of other endings. The end of friendships, the end of relationships, the end of potential of youth and so on.

It follows one Charles Ryder and his associations with the Marchmain family- a family entrenched in aristocracy as well as Catholicism. Charles is agnostic and is somewhat antagonistic to the Marchmains. Charles' first befriends Sebastian- a young man he either is great friends with or else is his temporary lover, the text doesn't seem clear on the matter. Sebastian is a happy-go-lucky fun guy who doesn't want to take life too seriously, but his drinking is out of control until it becomes a source of concern and embarrassment to the rest of the Marchmains. As time goes on you see the flower of Sebastian's youth fade away into nothingness, a sad reflection to much of the rest of the characters and motifs in the book.

Ultimately, the story seems to be one of redemption through the Catholic church- indicating that the Grace of Jesus Christ is... well, it's not completely established what grace brings but it is the end point to the story- which is sort of the point I guess. This isn't a religious book, it's a secular book about religious things. There are no miracles and the conversions are subtle. Still, it's hard not to be moved spiritually even though it's somewhat a bummer to read.

Moving forward with the 100 book challenge the following is coming up. I'm listening to the Lord of the Rings trilogy and am finished with “The Fellowship.” I'm also around halfway done with “The Sheltering Sky” and will be done with it soon. Don't give up on my 100 book challenge, It's a lot of fun and I'm not quitting. By its very nature it's a slow process. I'm not racing anyone, I'm just trying to enjoy some of the best English literature written since 1923.

Hundred Book Challenge # 13: "The Adventures of Augie March" by Saul Bellow

It's been an odd week 'round here with all the news and so forth. Rather than talk about all the stuff that's clogging up social media feeds, I'm talking about a cool little book. 

“The Adventures of Augie March” is ultimately the story of what happens to a man who just goes along with the flow. The titular Augie March is a fellow who, though fiercely intelligent in his own right, is content to be lead around by others to the point where he is could almost be part of something before he pulls himself away hoping for something else.

March’s observations are wry and often hilarious though with a heavy thread of melancholy throughout.  

There is no judgment presented in how Augie lives his life. The pros and cons are measured out equally. For every adventure Augie finds himself in he is weighted down by a distinct lack identity. He wants to be known as more than the guy who is up for anything, but not at the cost of not actually being up for anything.

Augie goes through a number of memorable jobs and relationships that range from the mundane- he works in a coal tip for a while, to the illegal- he steals books from bookstores to sell to college students, to the outrageous- he attempts to train bald eagles to catch lizards in Mexico.

These picaresque novels are a lot of fun to read. A chance to vicariously live the lives of intelligent rouges is hard to pass up and this book is almost as fun as a Dickens novel.

There seems to be quite a few of these books on the hundred book list- possibly a sign of what we had post-war where an intelligent wanderer was romanticized- though not by much. Saul Bellow’s novel allows his protagonist to be fully aware of the consequences of his actions. When Augie is running from the law and squatting in a house full of bums he is accosted. When he finds himself in a waning relationship- the natural result of a spontaneous affair- he is a violent, miserable wreck. When he helps an otherwise friendless woman find a doctor for an illegal abortion, he loses not only his fiancé, but also a future of wealth and the society and friendship of his brother.

Augie March approaches success but then backs away before reaching it. It’s a sad and familiar story.

On a related note: my dad read this book after I finished and said he didn’t like the ending. It just sort of stops. Yep. It does but I kind of like that. His life isn’t over so his story ends- told from the first person perspective it almost makes sense that his memoirs would stop just short of being perfect.