Mothers who work outside the home are still "Full-time Mothers"

I had to wait a bit to write about this so it was more than just an angry rant. I wanted to let my emotions calm down a bit and let my rational side take more charge.

Let me preface everything here by saying I am, in fact, a man. Not a woman. If you think that a man should have nothing to say about motherhood then you shouldn't continue here. Also note that while I'm speaking particularly about things that happened to me, one shouldn't assume that what I'm saying is unique to people in my social circle or religion which is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

So... Mother's Day kind of sucked. Here's the deal. My wife and I tried for years to get pregnant and during that time, Mother's Day held a special sort of torture for us. You see, motherhood is a pretty big deal in the LDS Church and in LDS culture. On Mother's Day, church is pretty much a totally devoted to honoring mothers, as it should be. When you are having trouble having a baby, however, it can act as a reminder of what you don't have and may never have. It's a day full of frustration and tears. Talk of how vital mothers are to the world made my wife feel worthless and the mean-spirited busy bodies who insisted on pointing out that childless women were selfish made her furious.

When this Mother's Day came around I was so excited for my wife. Finally we could go to church and she could be a part of the celebration and not feel like an outsider. Boy, was I wrong.

The doctrine of our church states that there is nothing more important that the family and there is no higher calling than that of a parent. Former President of the Church David O. McKay famously said “No other success can compensate for failure in the home,” and I totally hold to this idea. As a husband and father I want to make sure I never get so caught up in work or hobbies that I ignore my family.

So here's the deal. My wife works. It's not a situation now where we need the money in order to get by. My wife works as a computer programer because she says it keeps her mind sharp and keeps her sane. When she isn't working she has trouble feeling worthwhile. For whatever reason, being a stay-at-home mother doesn't scratch that particular itch. Right now she works part time with a good friend watching our precious baby boy on the days she works but if the opportunity came, she very well may want to work full time. She's good at what she does. She's very talented and she worked hard to get to where she is.

She does, however, love her son as much as any mother could possibly love a son. She's a great mother who is attentive and amazing.

Apparently, that's not good enough for some people. It was made clear on Mother's Day that some people think that if a mother works she is not a good mother. Here is a sampling of things people said (paraphrased) in talks and lessons that day along with the responses I would have made had I been in more control of my anger- I didn't want to just start yelling like a madman:

“We say that if the family needs more money then a woman can work, but we have a society that makes us think we need all these things we don't need. In places like Africa they live in poverty but the woman is able to stay home with the kids,” (Ok, there is so much wrong with that statement I don't think I need to explain why).

“Mothers who work are going against the natural order of things. They are spiritually and genetically disposed not to work the fields but to care for the home,” (Let's forget for a moment that Eve was the first mother whoworked for a moment and instead focus on how this statement is a perfect mix of ignorance and self assurance that is usually the domain of the Internet troll).

“The Church has made it clear. Mother's should not work out of the home,” (Uh... no, you are wrong. Like most Church doctrines, the issue of how a household should work is not given in pat answers. Each family and each mother is different. Each woman needs different things and each family needs different things. It's a family's job to carefully and prayerfully decide what is best for their family. We aren't living in Old Testament times where every little movement has to be dictated by God).

“Mother's who work give up their eternal reward of a family for a temporal reward of accolades of the world,” (Thanks, random dude. I'm glad you're not the actual judge of the world).

“You can either be a full-time mom or a working mom.”

That is what I have the most problem with because, unlike the other comments that were just too insipid to really get worked up about, this attitude is very prevalent.

Guess what? I'm a full time dad even though I work 40 hours a week. That still leaves me 128 hours for my family. Some of that time is spent sleeping, but not much really. Not since we had our boy.

If we accept that women who work are somehow part-time mothers, then all fathers who work are only part-time fathers.

My wife and I both spend all our efforts to improve the family. My wife's reasons for working helps make our household a more happy place. A good friend of mine pointed out that if a woman, for whatever reason, needs outside work to keep her sane, make her feel important or whatever else- then why would you arbitrarily trade that in and make her stay home and miserable? How does that help the family? How is it better to have a woman home with her kids and miserable for 168 hours a week rather than for 128 hours a week but happy? The (somewhat sexist) statement of "Happy wife, happy life" is true in so much that if any member of the household is miserable then the family suffers. 

It may be hard to be empathetic to people who have motivations outside our experience, but that's sort of the point of being a Christian and a human being, isn't it? Just because one woman finds fulfillment as a stay-at-home mother she shouldn't assume that a woman who doesn't is somehow defective or worse than she. 

I understand the conflict here, of course. During the heyday of first and even second wave feminism, women who stayed at home were insulted and made to feel like less of a person. This was wrong but prominent. The problem with that attitude, and the problem with the current attitude that is reactionary to that, is that it makes the false assumption that the world has to be exactly the same way we as individuals see it.

Today, we shouldn't allow the sucky actions of the past color how we act in the present. Mothers should be celebrated- regardless if they work outside the home or not.

So anyway, I was pretty upset and I could tell my wife was too. She ended up taking our son out to change his diaper and I was fuming, imagining myself standing up in a Martin Luther-inspired rant and tell everyone what the score was, but when Beth came back in, she was smiling.

She said that as she changed Sherlock- our boy's name is Sherlock by the way- he was so happy and smiley that she decided she didn't care what anyone else though- her boy loves her and that's enough for her to feel celebrated as a mother.

Obviously, it took me a bit longer to get over it. While she taught me an important lesson that day, I don't think Church should be a place where we actively cultivate negativity by speaking ignorantly.

A final thought: I understand the need for people to watch their language when talking about motherhood. “Full-time mother” can be a hurtful phrase to a woman who works, but likewise saying a woman isn't fulfilled by “just staying at home all day” is insulting to the role of a stay-at-home mom. There is nothing “just” about being a stay-at-home mom. It's simple really, some women find fulfillment by being stay-at-home mothers and some women find fulfillment by working. My own mother was a stay-at-home mother and worked harder than most people do at any job they have.

These hurtful phrases can lead to hard feelings which leads to ignorant and prejudiced feelings against women in the other “camp”- though such camps are part of a false dichotomy that really should have no place in polite society. Both sides are guilty and should watch how they act. Men included.

The real bottom line is just don't be a jerk, no matter if you work or stay at home.