The other day I was at the grocery store when I noticed this woman behaving in a way that always just irritates me. This woman, with two kids in tow, was shopping from a list she typed out on her iPhone. She would inspect the iPhone, go to a location in the grocery store, and then pluck the item from the shelf like a heron eating a discarded tomato from some four-year-olds BLT.
Normally I keep my mouth shut in the face of such monsters because I'm a pretty great and understanding guy but this time I had to speak out.
“Look,” I told the lady. “I bet you think you are something special, wandering around with kids and iPhone store lists and whatnot, but that's not how things work in the real world. In the real world you wander up and down the aisles in the grocery store at random trying to remember what it is you need before realizing halfway home that you forgot the item that served as the impetus for the trip in the first place.”
More and more I'm noticing a troubling trend in our country and, in fact, the entire world. People behave in a matter different to how I behave and that is wrong.
When I was a kid, my parents raised me in a very particular way and that is what made me obviously perfect person I am now. Of course they were wrong insomuch as how I currently live is somewhat different to how they lived at the time but somehow I made it through.
Let's talk about how kids today are treated. They are doing things differently than how I did it. Heck, some of the stuff they have today wasn't even invented when I was a kid. I got by just fine on a SNES that my friend owned and I don't know why kids today need anything invented after 1991. That's why kids today have all the problems they have. These problems wouldn't exist if they all lived like I lived. We didn't have those problems. I know. I was there and was perfect.
What about parenting methods? Now that I have a child I'm glad I can put an end, once and for all, to the countless debates parents are having online about how kids should be raised. Studies show that if you raise your children like I do then they will turn out to be amazing supermen and women in no time. Choice of diet, education, activities and so forth can cause all sorts of debate and dilemma- which is just idiotic because I know the answers and will give them freely while using simplistic and illogical arguments to belittle those who do things differently.
Marriage. My marriage is obviously perfect and how my wife and I interact with each other is the only way to go. Frankly, if your first date didn't involve Islands of Adventure and if you didn't participate in a fake Mardi Gras parade then you might as well call up a divorce lawyer right now because you did it wrong. It's like the old saying goes: “The family that acts the most like Josh's stays together.”
You know all those things people hate yet apparently still happen everywhere? Things like every kid getting a prize just for showing up or TV shows ruining the fabric of American culture? You know why those things happen? Because people don't act like me. I don't give out awards just for showing up nor do I make horrible, fabric ruining TV shows- and whats more I'll never be in a situation where I could do any of those things. Boom! Problem solved.
Politics too. I think i's a sad sad picture when so many people get so involved in a process when it's obvious that our founding fathers intended a system of government that is exactly what I understand it to be. For example, chikkety-check out this quote from founding father Thomas Jefferson:
“It is my firm belief that this country will rise or fall based on how closely we follow what Josh Huntsman has to say.”
Go ahead. Argue with a dead president!
How do I know I am correct about all of this? Studies. That's right, studies. I got all sorts of studies all up in here. Don't expect me to link to them, but I may. I may link to some studies reported in totally trustworthy research sites like joshisalwaysright.comand dowhatjoshsays.com and even the more legitimate lookingjoshalwasyhastheanswer.org. If you have studies that contradict what I have to say, they were obviously funded by the opposition and hence completely devoid of significant content.
So if you are having a tough go in life, just slow down and start participate in some activities that I participate in. If everyone did, the world would be perfect.i
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